


Banana Nirvana

by calliopes_pen



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Fluff and Humor, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-01-14
Updated: 2008-01-14
Packaged: 2018-12-04 06:04:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11549034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calliopes_pen/pseuds/calliopes_pen
Summary: Jack, Martha, and the Doctor talk--the Doctor is great with the mind games, Jack wants to roll in banana pudding, and there will be tickling.





	Banana Nirvana

**Author's Note:**

> This story came about thanks to a challenge from Becky_writing--one of the prompts was the line “Wake up and French kiss the morning.” This was combined with a meme that got this prompt from Frenchroast: “To save the world, the Doctor and Captain Jack must try to make...banana pudding!” It turned into a cracky fanfic rather than a world saving one, but I hope you enjoy it anyway.

It was a day like any other on the TARDIS. Captain Jack Harkness, the Doctor, and Martha Jones would get up, eat breakfast, and set out on the next adventure, risking life and limb before usually returning safely, yet filthy. On this morning, however, things had taken a rather strange turn for Jack.

Then again, what _was_ classified as strange for someone that couldn’t die? If anything, a strange day would happen to include arguments regarding planets named after Nintendo games, and eventually saving the universe...with pudding. This would turn out to be such a day.

The Doctor seemed miffed about something--perhaps the fact that his hair currently resembled nothing so much as an electrocuted porcupine, with added mousse, was the cause--and scrunched his nose. His eyes sparkled just a bit as he glanced over at Jack, before taking a sip of tea, and saying with a roll of his eyes, “Oh, _Jack_. Wake up and French kiss the morning already.” He blinked sweetly, and was the very picture of innocence, save for the wink in Martha’s direction.

Jack, in the process of drinking his own morning cup of coffee--not nearly as spectacular as Ianto’s, since the man had once said Jack would never get the recipe, not even if he were cyberized--just barely managed to stop himself from choking to death.

He wiped his face of the last of the sputtered residue, and stared at the Doctor. The Doctor stared back and grinned—he knew _exactly_ how that had sounded. The Doctor blinked, held up a recently acquired container labeled French Kiss Coffee, and raised an eyebrow. “Why, _Jack_. Whatever did you think I meant?”

He was playing mind games, and looked to be in an extremely playful mood today.

“Cute, Doc. Really cute.” Yes, Jack thought to himself, that image would also provide some rather interesting dreams later on.

 _Well_ , Jack mused as he shook his head, at least it wasn’t nearly as bad as the time the Doctor had dragged himself and Martha to Egypt to see some old dead friends...and walked up to the mummies, and said in the creepiest voice ever while hidden behind a sarcophagus, ‘Are _you_ my mummy?’ Jack had had nightmares for a week following that, and Martha had soundly thumped the Doctor for it, despite not understanding the context. _That_ had inspired nightmares--this would be much, _much_ more pleasant. And entertaining to boot.

Martha hid her own grin behind her orange juice, and shook her head with a chuckle. “I see _someone’s_ certainly been a bad influence.”

The Doctor thought for a moment, before turning a radiant grin in Martha’s direction. “Oh, Martha Jones! Did I ever happen to mention the planet Tetris? _So_ many blocks all zig zagging all over the place--and when it rains you could get a concussion! And the people--!”

Martha raised an eyebrow and stared, before replying. “You’re _joking._ ” She glanced to Jack for confirmation--all she received, however, was a helpless shrug and a mouthed ‘what did you expect.’

The Doctor somehow managed to look both put upon and guilty at the same time. “Well, yes...but there _is_ a planet called that, thanks to me.” He scratched his head, sighed, and grinned. “Some Time Lord just _happened_ to drop his copy of the game near a tribe, and the natives just _happened_ to find it, the natives began to worship it, and _wham_! Instant religion based on a video game and lo a planet was named…once they learned how to read, of course.”

The guilty look returned, and he added, “When the batteries died, they were _very_ cross.”

Jack rolled his eyes, and gave Martha a pointed look. This time, it was Martha who shrugged in a ‘don’t look at me’ gesture. The TARDIS hummed in amusement at the trio, and Jack sent a vibe that made the TARDIS purr seductively enough that the lights actually flickered.

The Doctor looked over his glasses at the two. “Their origins are actually common knowledge in most of the universe in one thousand years. I tried to create an Encyclopedia Galactica entry on the Tetris, but they banned me. They think I’m spreading rumors! Now I can’t edit anything there ever again because they’ve somehow locked the TARDIS out of their system.” After a pause, he continued. “That ban extends through every century I try it from.” The Doctor pouted, and Jack nodded and patted his back as if he understood his predicament completely, and wasn’t just humoring the Time Lord.

The Doctor seemed to have given up on potentially tall tales in a flash, and just raised an eyebrow. Before he took another sip of his tea, he muttered, “Stop it, Jack.” Jack grinned, since it had become something of a tradition. Obviously, exasperation with the other man had finally outweighed any semblance of annoyance that could possibly be drifting through the Doctor’s mind.

Jack leaned over and stroked the nearest of the kitchen’s coral supports. “Aw, she likes it when I tickle her…funny bone. It relaxes her, doesn’t it, sweetheart? Tell Uncle Jack just how much.”

The Doctor had a look of disbelief on his face, and snorted. “What the TARDIS does on her own time, is none of my business. I don’t want to know, and _please_ don’t ever try to inform me!” The TARDIS pulsed and trilled, obviously telling him something despite the warning, and the Doctor blushed. A quietly muttered ‘Oh, sweet Rassilon, no!’ could be heard, before his eyes practically bulged out of their sockets. He looked at Jack, and then at Martha, temporarily speechless--a truly momentous event.

“Right, then...um...Martha!”

Martha grinned, watching the Doctor squirm in his seat. “Yes, Doctor?”

The poor Time Lord was obviously grasping at straws in a desperate bid to change the subject before it was too late. “ _ **Bananas**_! Right...banana pudding can kill certain aliens!” After a moment, he seemed to recover some dignity, adding with a childish grin, “And I’m not telling which ones, unless it’s vital.”

Martha shook her head in amusement. “Tell the truth, Doctor or I’ll make you tell us.”

The Doctor’s grin was positively dazzling, as he cocked his head playfully. “What’s your method of persuasion, Miss Jones? Thumbscrews? Brokanian Ice Torture?

Martha leaned close to the Doctor’s ear, tickling it with her breath as she whispered, “Tickling, Mr. Smith.”

Having almost missed the moment while he was petting the TARDIS, Jack perked up. “Sounds like fun. Maybe we could throw in some… _banana pudding_ for the Doctor.”

The Time Lord in question seemed tempted and playful, with an odd mix of nervous excitement as he put down his tea and held up his hands to ward them off.

“I’ll talk, I’ll talk!” The Doctor’s giddy laugh was infectious and the other two chuckled.

Martha pouted, and turned to Jack with a feigned tone of sadness. “No tickling?”

Jack matched her expression, and even her tone. “No tickling in _banana pudding_. An even greater pity, as it’s like mud wrestling...but oh, so very tasty.”

The Doctor seemed to be getting into the swing of things again as he patted Jack’s shoulder. “Down, boy. _First_ , I tell the truth. You don’t have to throw me in pudding. Then…who knows what might happen?”

The Doctor spun and put a finger in the air as though he had an idea. “Maybe...both?” After Martha gave him a look, he rubbed his neck and chuckled. “Right...get on with it, Old Man. The TARDIS will let you know if I do a bit of fibbing this time, won’t you girl?”

There was an amused hum from the walls. The Doctor paused as though listening, and looked up with a shrug and wicked grin. “She says she’ll zap me if I lie. Or incinerate my trousers. She isn’t quite sure which.” He glanced at the ceiling fondly, before adding, “Such a wicked girl.”

Jack grinned and patted the wall. “Good move, sweetheart!” His grin widened as the Doctor stuck his tongue out at him before continuing.

“Right...Tetris was only where I accidentally dropped my video game. Kooey-Kooey is the place where potassium kills, and the fog comes in on little cat feet.”

Jack frowned as he recognized the name and description. “Are they the ones with all the tentacles in their...”

The Doctor coughed, and turned beet red. This would obviously be a story Jack would need to drag out of him later. “ _Yes_ , Jack...but moving on!” Solemnly, he pointed to his companions. “Remember--pointing a banana or spilling its pudding on someone on that planet is a code for one of two things. And _both_ will get you a hundred years in solitary unless you happen to have a TARDIS, or can move fast or fly!”

The Doctor looked both disturbed and amused, adding, “Besides the solicitation meaning, it’s bad. Bad, bad, _bad_. Did I mention bad? Get some on them, and it turns them into…into…the Wicked Witch of the West after she’s been doused in water!”

Martha winced. Jack seemed confused (he _still_ didn’t know who this Spock person was that Rose had mentioned when they met) until Martha promised to show him the movie some other time.

The Doctor slapped his hands together and bounced on the toes of his feet, breaking the slightly dark mood. He waggled his eyebrows in Jack’s direction. “Now then...tickling was to be discussed.” He locked eyes with Jack, and the two shared a long look before turning to Martha. As one, they rushed towards her--before she could react with anything other than a brief squeak of surprise, she was being tickled into submission.

She managed to briefly overpower Jack by attacking his calf with her deft fingers. From there, she proved speedy despite her small size, managing to bring them to their knees with well placed tickles. Occasionally, though, Jack was faster and could squirm away—but not by much.

When tears were streaming down their faces, the trio lay on the ground panting. _Naturally_ , Jack’s mind was on one thing as he gave a winded chuckle.

“So...up for rolling around in banana pudding now, or has the moment passed?”

Exhausted, Martha and the Doctor could only look at each other before moaning, _“Jack!”_

_Finis_

**Author's Note:**

> Huge thanks goes out to Persiflage_1 and SeanDC for beta reading.


End file.
